A New Start

Oh, how I've been dying to update this! Moving house and changing jobs in the same week is a recipe for disaster! Sort of. In keeping this up to date anyway ;-)

Started the new job a couple of weeks ago and I think it seems to be going quite well. Getting the hang of things now and settling into the new routine. And it's loads better than the old job - not hard really I suppose, seeing as I used to make tea for a living. If you could call it that. Which I wouldn't. The first couple of days at the new one were iffy though, I must admit. I had severe 'what am I doing here' moments. But then it became more relaxed and familiar, so is good. The days seem to go quickly too, which definitely makes a change! I'm in my element, organising displays and selling something I like. I thought I wanted out of retail, but it turns out it's not so bad if you like what you sell! Still get the odd awkward customer, but I guess you get them wherever you are. All in all, a good decision I think.

The house. We started paying rent the day before I started the job but we only moved in last Sunday. Waiting for carpets you see. We didn't see the point in moving all our stuff in, only to have to move it out again to have the carpets fitted. So we waited. Then there was a mix up with the oven delivery people. They tried to deliver it to my nan's house, as that was the billing address. Somehow, their brilliant computer system had mixed up the addresses and postcodes. Genius. So we had to wait a few extra days for the oven. I'm also currently writing this on my day off at nan's as we have no internet yet. It's going to be horrible, seven to ten days, cut off from the world... I'm surprised this is still working actually, but they said something about checking the new line blah blah. Still don't see why, in this era of advanced technology, it takes that long to fix up a new connection. Grrr. Anyway, things at the house are going well I think. Several boxes lie unopened still, but we don't have much in the way of storage. Or any shelves. So they may stay that way until we have somewhere to put whatever lurks inside the boxes. The bathroom's driving me mad though. The toilet doesn't flush well, as the pipes are all weirdly twisty, the water pressure in the shower is lousy and there's no storage at all, so all our stuff is in a box under the sink. Hardly ideal. The kitchen is ok. It is tiny but has loads of cupboards so we're not short of places to put things there. No washing machine yet though, or freezer. Bit of a nightmare, having to totally furnish a new place. The bedroom and living room are fine however. We've painted those so they've had the most attention so far. I thought, you spend a lot of time in those rooms, they should be decorated first. Also, they were the ones we put carpet in, so we had to paint really!

It's so nice having our own space finally. It's small but it's a start. Our neighbours are interesting. Got super-chavs one side and haven't even seen the people who live on the other side. The she-chav likes standing on her back step smoking. Nice. And they have an evil looking dog, which barks incessantly. Oh and a baby. Haven't heard much from that though; I find the noise the dog makes more annoying. Don't care for dogs much. We're getting a couple of cats at some point. Can't wait to have some little kitties :-) They'll eat the dog next door for breakfast.

I've just realised, I have missed the bus I was planning to catch. Now I have to wait another hour for the next one. Oh well, I did want to get this post done, or everyone will think I have abandoned this blog! Not the case, dear readers, just simply not had time with all the madness going on. And lack of internet connection of course! Soon to be rectified, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I've had people ask me if I miss my old job. Er no. That's the short answer. Why would I miss it? I think people are of the opinion that, seeing as how I was there SO LONG, I have some kind of emotional attachment to it. The truth? I couldn't wait to leave. I've hardly given the old place a second thought. It had become a burden to me, something I felt tied to because I found searching for something else so difficult. It was a vicious circle - I couldn't leave because I needed the money, no matter how pitiful it was. My part-time hours felt like the Longest Days Ever, they dragged because there was nothing interesting to do. Now I hardly have time to be bored, there's always new stock coming in, displays to rearrange, customers to help. And it's usually fun too :-) The old job wasn't fun for a long time. I saw an old colleague from years ago and she asked what I was doing now. I told her and she said I looked really happy. And I am :-) It's nice for a change. I'd forgotten what that felt like.

It's All A-Changing!

Oh how the times are a-changing! Since my last post (which was, I am fully aware, rather downbeat) things have dramatically changed.

I have found a new job - ah, much rejoicing and jolly merriment all round - which, whilst not my ideal job, is at least full time and will bring in the much-needed pennies. The pennies are in much greater need now as the BF and I have been offered a house. Yes, the damn housing people have pulled their fingers out and we are signing papers and getting the keys on Friday! Now all we need is a cooker, a washing machine, a sofa and a fridge. Not too much to ask, surely...?!

It's all happened so fast, I think my head is spinning around. Or maybe I have taken Felix Felicis and tomorrow everything will be crap again. No. I can't think like that. It's just a lot to take in at once. And it's two things checked off my list that I wrote earlier this year. So that's good.

I hate packing though. There's so much stuff to go through, it's not possible that we need all the junk that has accumulated. And then there's trying to find a new home for everything once you move in. The whole process is a bit of a nightmare. All be worth it though. I'm starting the new job on Tuesday as well, so it's literally all happening at the same time. I don't know how my brain will cope! I will probably be very stressy. Oh won't that be fun for BF...! Actually, the job will be less stressy than the moving. We have so much to sort out - changing addresses, setting up internet, tv license and who knows what else.

It's going to be so amazing to have our own space though. I can't wait to wake up and be able to say "this is my house". Then we can get our cats. That will be fun. I just really hope this place has a bath, as I've been told that not all of them do. I'm waiting for the housing woman to email me some pictures. If it doesn't I will be a bit disappointed, but I suppose we could get a bath?

And decorating! All my hours spent collecting pictures of interiors on Pinterest will finally have their moment. I have an idea of how I'd like each room to look, but of course I want BF to have a say. It is our place after all. I'm not some sort of decorating dictator!

And now I must depart, as I have to begin the organisation process. Boxes must be acquired, things put in them and labels attached. Lists must be made about changing address - who on earth needs to be notified?! Firstly I need a to-do list...

Disappointment

Yes I know. It's been ages. Again. Let's not discuss it, let's just move on... :-)

First, a catch-up.
1. Cardiff was in equal measures epic and fun-filled. Many exciting cheeses were purchased to bring home and savour.
2. I have started doing a few bits for this local organisation, promoting the town and getting people interested in events. I think it's going ok, just wish it was paid :-s
3. Tickets for Edinburgh street-party have been booked! Roll on December...

Hmmm, shorter catch-up than I thought! Anyway, to other business.

In all honesty, I'm not in a very upbeat mood. Feel like a lot of things are a bit shit at the moment. Still finding it hard to get a new job, which makes me feel particularly worthless on a day-to-day basis. Also, me and the BF are trying to get a little house via the housing association and these people are impossible to pin down to get an appointment to view anywhere. So frustrating. And to top it off, I have spent all my money for the week, so can't go anywhere or do anything. Totally sucks. Although, as Xander says on 'Buffy', "It could be worse. I could have gangrene on my face". That would obviously be worse.

Sorry to be so depressing. I see all these positivity posts on Pinterest saying things like 'start every day like it's your birthday' but it gets more difficult as times go on and things don't improve. Who wants to be 30 and living like a teenager? Well, I guess there are the odd few. I need a better sense of self. My university tutor said I had problems with self-belief and I think that's now spread from my writing to my outlook on life. Not healthy I'm sure. I have to believe I deserve better. I do deserve better. They say you should dress for the job you want not the job you have - maybe that applies to life too? Like - believe in yourself more and believe in what you deserve and you will get it? I don't know, maybe that's just some psycho-mumbo-jumbo. I try not to get invested in things to avoid disappointment, but despite that effort disappointment seems to come. Ah well. Back to the old 'gangrene' quote again I suppose.  

I'm going to call the damn housing woman again. I've been advised to bother her as much as possible by some friends who recently dealt with her. They've just got their own place and were the ones who referred me and the BF. So here goes... wish me luck.

Things to Look Forward To

Hello folks. I just got back from my aforementioned meeting to discuss some work experience. I think it went rather well. It was more an informal chat with the project manager and another volunteer and after they explained what it is that they do, we kicked around some ideas for what I could do for them and came up with several things - writing reports, proofreading and editing. Sounds ideal! I told them I needed something to put on the old CV to spice it up and show I have actual experience in some kind of writing. They were very supportive of that and willing to put some work my way. So I have to wait until the project manager comes back from her holiday, then she says she'll email me and work something out. Promising stuff :-)

On a different subject , the Olympic torch passed through my little corner of England this morning. I have a feeling of complete indifference to it. So many people turned out for it, and I can't really understand the point. Just down the road in the next town, they had a massive street party in the town centre. I've seen some pictures on Facebook and it was heaving with people. Quite pleased I didn't have to go there for work today, the roads would have been a nightmare! I quite like watching some of the Olympics on TV but I'm not excited about the torch relay. I didn't apply for tickets to anything either. Probably would have ended up with tickets to the bloody table tennis or something like that! I'd much rather just watch it at home anyway, London will be havoc during the games. We'll be in Cardiff during the opening weekend too, as we have booked a three night break with the gays.

Oooh it just thundered outside! Should I be typing still? I never know. It's not plugged into the mains, does that make a difference?! So ignorant!

Anyway, I'm so looking forward to Cardiff. No idea what we have planned but I'm sure it will rock. Also, BF and I have booked a trip to Edinburgh for Hogmanay :-) So f-ing excited about that one! We haven't got our street party tickets yet, but hope to book them by the weekend. It will be epic.I am Edinburgh-sick. Every time I see the National Express coach go by, I just want to get on it and go to Edinburgh! I don't know what it is about that place, you just can't help but love it. I've got plans for places I want to visit while we're there, so they had better be open! Think we'll have missed the Christmas market by the time we get there though, which is sad as I really liked that last time. I could just go to Edinburgh and stay there. I keep threatening to do that! BF wouldn't mind, he loves it there too. Maybe one day...

Anyway, must fly. I need to eBay stuff. Laters!

Ahh, Nostalgia...

Good grief, I've been slacking! And I have about a zillion things to say. Where to begin...

Let's start with some good news - I had my final meeting with the careers advisor and despite my misgivings and previous doubt about what the service could offer me, it turned out to be the most productive of the lot. I felt like I was more upfront about what I wanted, rather than what I thought I should say, and what do you know - I got more out of the session. Don't know why I kept putting it off really. It's cos I'm berk, that's what the BF would say. (In a joking manner. He doesn't spend all his time insulting me for fun). Anyway, I now have a list of useful contacts, she made some calls on my behalf while I was in the session, and out of that came a call on Thursday from someone offering me the chance of some work experience! Finally! She had left me a voicemail, so today I called her back and we have arranged to meet this Wednesday afternoon to discuss what I could do with them. The original call was to do some marketing and publicity stuff, as the careers advisor had told her I had a media degree, which is a term that can be misleading. I actually have a media writing degree which isn't quite the same. I explained what my area of study was and she went, 'oh so you could write articles for us then?' and I said yes because we did journalism on the course. She seemed keen to meet me, so roll on Wednesday :-)

I also want to talk about today's youth. Now I know that makes me sound dreadfully old, but I really don't understand the attitudes of some kids. I say some kids because it is certainly not all of them. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a few giving them all a bad name, which is very unfair. But back to my point... We had a fifteen year old boy doing work experience a couple of weeks ago. At least they claimed he was a boy. I secretly think he may have been a mannequin for all the movement he made. I have never seen anyone so idle. Is this a normal teenage boy thing? I only have a sister, so I don't know. I'm sure most boys aren't so useless. We tried talking to him. No response. His face was blank, his eyes staring. When asked what he liked to do, the answer was - play computer games. Ah, now the vacant expression made sense! Hours spent gazing at a screen blowing aliens up, clearly. It has turned this boy into an empty vessel, incapable of the simplest of social interactions. He could barely say hello. In fact I'm not sure he did...! It's sad really. I actually think it is a serious problem though, as so many children have televisions and computer consoles in their bedrooms from an early age now. I know it's a while since I was a kid and times change, but the basic makeup of people doesn't. Kids need to be around adults to understand what is socially acceptable behaviour and they need to be around their peers to develop these skills for themselves. How does sitting in a room by yourself playing computer games for hours on end help in producing healthy, well-rounded young people? Short answer - I don't think it does.

We had games console. A Sega Megadrive. It was hooked up to a small TV that me and my sister used in the dining room. (We weren't allowed a TV in our room. Or rooms, when I was kicked out of the one we shared when I was twelve because she snored. So unfair...) We only played on the Sega at weekends and in school holidays. I don't remember thinking this was unfair though. I actually preferred reading anyway, although I do recall the time we were a little addicted to Streets of Rage :-) I did love that game. And Sonic 2. And Columns. Showing my age now! Good times. Anyway, my point was that we didn't spend every waking hour on the computer because we weren't allowed. We were encouraged to play outside, ride our bikes, read, paint, make stuff like paper flowers, play board games, play with our Barbie dolls, listen to music (I was given a small stereo with a turntable when I was about nine or ten, and I loved it. We were allowed to play our mum and dad's old records, as well as our own which were mostly Kylie and Jason. Classic), make up games and stories, play with face paints, play with our Spirograph and Fashion Wheel, bake cakes with mum. If this all sounds a bit too idyllic, sorry, but that's how it was. Our mum stayed home with us until my sister went to school, and was there to pick us up every day. We were allowed kids' TV after school, and, when we were older, Aussie soaps and Hollyoaks. But we watched them together, not off separately in our rooms. Looking at how some kids are brought up now, I feel it was good that we did things as a family. Meals round the table, not in front of the TV. Day trips to museums, castles and safari parks. Caravan holidays to Tenby every year (never got tired of that place). Do I feel like I missed out by not having a games console or a TV in my room from a young age? Not at all. I feel that it helped make me more imaginative and creative. I used to write little stories on folded up bits of paper for my sister when I was about seven. I was instilled with a love of books from a young age, not a love of TV. I enjoyed TV of course (Button Moon? Maid Marian? Dogtanian? Yes please), but I loved reading. I remember sitting at the breakfast table every morning, and if I didn't have a book to read over my cereal, I would read the back of the cereal box. Just for something to read. I'm the same now really. I love words and I despise all 'txt spk'. Especially when people use it on Facebook or in emails. We have this fantastically rich and interesting language and it is reduced to a series of acronyms. I have never 'lol'ed. That is the worst of the bunch actually, because people now stick it to the end of everything, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. Very annoying.

That paragraph ended somewhere different to where I intended! Do not get me started on spelling...! I don't know if it's bad teaching, the rise of text speak or sheer laziness on the part of students, but I despair when I see words used incorrectly, or simple words spelled wrongly. I know English is hard with a lot of words that sound the same but have different spellings. Really though, is it too much to ask for people to learn how to spell these words correctly - 'weird', 'receive' and 'definitely'. Or to learn the different uses of 'to', 'too' and 'two'. Similarly with, 'there', 'their' and 'they're'. So annoying. Even worse when you see them spelled wrong in the papers, which happens far more frequently than you may think! Rant over. For now...

I'm looking forward to my meeting on Wednesday - will report back here dear readers.

Just A Couple Of Things...

Hello people. I have a couple of things to share with you today.

First up - let's get back to that which I was discussing in a previous post. The rudeness of people these days, with particular focus on the usage of manners online. Or rather, the lack of them as the case may be. I had the misfortune yesterday of encountering a most rude person whilst trying to sell some perfumes on eBay. I had a very short message that read as follows, "hi, will you do this buy it now i will pay straight away" (bad grammar copied from text). I thought, hmmm, bit abrupt with no 'please', but I messaged them back anyway to ask if they were still interested as I hadn't checked the page for a couple of days. This is what I got back, "hi, yes i'm waiting will you do it now"! Needless to say, I was slightly taken aback at their brazen lack of politeness. However, keen to make a sale, I persevered. This person (not sure from the username if it was male or female) became increasingly more impolite. They wanted me to change my postage cost, saying it was wrong (how could they know this?!) and they would only pay £8 plus postage at their rate, not mine. The final straw came when they sent me this, "hi, yes go ahead i'm waiting as i have to go". Oh so sorry your majesty! Bloody cheek. I thought, no bloody way am I trading with anyone that rude. I sent a reply to that effect, suggesting that they revise the way they speak to people online and requesting that they refrain from contacting me again. So far, no reply... :-) You shouldn't have to put up with that sort of crap. And how it is that people think that because it's online politeness goes out the window and you can place demands on others, I will never understand. I get the last laugh anyway - while we were 'conversing', someone else placed a bid on the item! Hahahaha! Can't change a listing once a bid has been placed :-) I'd rather sell for less to a more polite person, which really, the majority of people who trade on eBay are. You just seem to get the odd one who tries to spoil things. And somehow, this one got right under my skin, it niggled at me all day. Very annoying.

The other is my new love. Pinterest. For the uninitiated, Pinterest is an online pinboard site, kind of like a scrapbook, where you can make 'boards' of things that interest you. It's horribly addictive. I have 32 boards, ranging from fashion to travel and cats to photography with plans for more! People can also 'follow' your boards and you can follow them, so I suppose it's a social network of sorts too, as you can comment on pins. It's ridiculously fun, a way of expressing yourself in the things you choose to pin and it shows others what you're like far more than Facebook ever could. Ok, you can 'like' things on Facebook, but Pinterest offers the chance to collect similar 'likes' all in one place and arrange them so others can view and appreciate your choices, and by extension, see into you as a person. We show others what we are like in the way we dress and how we speak and conduct ourselves, but our likes and dislikes can be hidden from view. With Pinterest there is no hiding :-) Although, of course, you still get to choose what you want to show people... I have noticed that people are very open. I suppose it's the safety net of it being online, that folk don't seem to mind sharing their innermost thoughts, as most people looking at it don't know you personally. I guess it's a bit like blogging...! I don't think the BF understands the appeal of Pinterest. He seems quite bemused when I get all excited over a pin :-) I guess I just enjoy things that involve me sharing my ideas with the world. Blogging and Pinterest allow me to do that. I'm gaining a little band of Pinterest followers, but there are people with literally thousands following them. I pin at pinterest.com/stargirl82 if you'd like a check out my boards. Little self-plugging there :-)

Until next time, dear readers...

Is It Just Me...?

Decided I didn't like the background colour after all. It looked funny when I published the post. Instead I am experimenting now with coloured text. Ooh! How fun.

I was in a right grotty mood today. People are so rude! And not rude in a getting-up-in-your-face-obvious-sort-of way, just small things. I think that makes it worse. Manners cost nothing, you know. For some reason people seem to think it's ok to walk into a shop and ignore the person behind the counter when they say 'hello' to you. The polite response is not to stare blankly at them as if they just addressed you in some obscure foreign language. It is also not correct to reply, 'Chelsea bun', or 'white loaf', (without a 'please' attached). It would be nice if people could remember to say hello when someone else says it. I get so tired of dealing with the basic impoliteness. Were they brought up in a barn by farmyard animals? Their lack of manners would suggest so. Argh. Rant over.

I was having quite a nice week before all this. Monday was spent at the new Harry Potter Studio Tour at Leavesden with my mum and sister. It was epic. Simply could not quite believe I was walking in the Great Hall and along Diagon Alley! (Non-Potter fans will not understand the sheer joy to be derived from just walking on these surfaces. It's fabulous). I will not spoil it too much for anyone planning a trip, all I will say is - it's amazing, with plenty to keep you entertained. Oh and you can buy a Butterbeer in the backlot between studios :-) So much fun.

Yesterday I cleaned my bedroom. Not very exciting you might think - and you'd be right, downright bloody boring actually - but I managed to make the time fly by, playing my 'Hairspray' soundtrack extremely loudly. With the windows open. I caught a glimpse of someone walking past the house, looking up at the window, clearly wondering what that wonderful music was...! Haha. I am unhealthily obsessed with Hairspray. I let my mum borrow my dvd today, and I feel slightly panicked at the thought of not being able to watch it for a couple of days. I love it. Although I may have found a new obsession yesterday (once again at the hands of director Adam Shankman) in form of the movie Rock of Ages. OMG. It actually, really rocks. Never seen the stage show, but the film is epic. The songs fit seemlessly into the story, Tom Cruise steals it as rocker Stacee Jaxx (his rendition of Bon Jovi's 'Dead Or Alive' has been stuck in my head all bloody day) and Russell Brand is his usual humorous self. The young leads are amazing too, giving it their all :-) Need the soundtrack, right now. Oh, Julianne Hough (as Sherrie) does a great version of Extreme's 'More Than Words', one of my all time favourite songs. I had to look out my old Rock Ballads CD earlier today. It was my dad's, but I used to pinch it so often as a teenager, that he let me keep it! It's full of mostly 80s rock classics, and it's where I first heard Guns'n'Roses, Scorpions and INXS. I was already instilled with a love for rock music, thanks to my dad's obsession with Queen. You weren't allowed to not like Queen in our house. Fortunately I love Queen :-) Anyway, I think a grounding in Mercury, May, Deacon and Taylor afforded me the ability to love a wide variety of music, as they made use of so many different styles. It's the first music I remember hearing as a kid. It's nice to still love those tunes.

Made some summer plans this week too. Me, the BF, the GBF and GBFH are going to Cardiff for three nights in July. After I finish work on the Saturday, we're heading off there to party for the night, then hang out for a couple of days. Should be fun :-)

Argh! Decision Making!

Oooh, a background colour! I was fiddling around with the settings and thought I'd give it a go. Might not like it later...

So I've been thinking about these careers meetings I've been going to. I know to begin with I was really excited about them. But now I'm wondering if I went about it a bit, well, wrong. I keep thinking I should do all the things on the action plan. But I just don't think it's right for me. I'm supposed to have the third meeting tomorrow. I might rearrange it. Again. I feel like I need more time to decide. I should probably be doing that instead of writing this. However, writing this might help me come to a decision so... I'm wondering if I should just go to the meeting tomorrow and tell the advisor that, great as her advice was, I think I'm going to go in another direction. Problem is, I still need to find a better job. The one I'm in is killing my brain, it's so boring. It's so tedious. There are aspects of the work I actually don't mind (and secretly quite like), such as organising the displays and making the place look decent. The whole place needs some serious jazzing up though. I think the owner thinks it's some sort of 'shabby chic' when actually it's just shabby. 

I often find my mind wandering, and think about what I'd do if it were my business. I'd scrap the mismatched tablemats for a start. I'd get nice vintage print ones, or use cute tablecloths. The crappy menus would go too. They're currently in these seriously old-fashioned leather holders. (In fact there aren't enough of those to go round, so some tables have a really dull looking laminated menu. Nice.) I'd change the choices on the menu too, it's all this or that with bloody chips. And things like salad with a jacket potato is extra! So that would get a major re-vamp. It needs modernising in a big way. I just don't think people like seeing that they have to pay extra to get beans with their sausage, egg and chips! Especially when chains like Wetherspoons are such good value for money. I don't think the boss-lady wants to acknowledge that she is in competition with those places, whether she likes it or not. I get so frustrated when all I hear from her all day is, "oh this is dreadful/awful/terrible", because we have no customers. DO SOME ADVERTISING! OFFER SOMETHING NEW! Arghhhhh! Some people are so entirely resistant to change though. And blinded by their view of 'how things used to be' that they can't see why they should change. I've made countless suggestions, but I can't make her do anything. If she wants to run the place into the ground, she's going the right way about it. Rant over. 

I'm thinking of volunteering somewhere. Reasons for this: it will probably look good on the old cv. It will give me something to do that does not involve serving tea. It might lead to a job. Or a foot in the door. Whatever. And it's good to give back isn't it? Just don't think about the fact you don't get paid for your time... 

 Grrr, what am going to do about this meeting? So tempted to change it.

Side note - I'm going to the Harry Potter Experience next Monday! Am stupidly excited. Can't wait to walk through the Great Hall - it's the real one you know! Just hope the movie magic isn't spoiled by seeing the sets. It looks really good anyway. I know at my age I shouldn't be all excited about Harry Potter, but I don't care. It's fun to indulge in these things sometimes and enjoy non-grown-up things :-)

Oh, another random thought. I love it when that happens. The BF is going to visit friends in Leeds next month and when he mentioned it to the people he works with, some of them apparently gave him shocked expressions that he was going without me. Some even went as far as to ask him what I think about him going! How weird. My guess is that they are very insecure, distrusting people. I have no problem whatsoever with him going to Leeds. I have no reason not to trust him. Why do people always think the worst of others? For one thing it's insulting to the BF, as they are assuming he's going to cheat, and for another, they're assuming that I don't trust him, and think he will cheat! Oh and he's staying with his ex-wife. She offered to put him up to save on a B+B. I hear that one guy at BF's work practically choked when he heard that! 

I had a tidy-up yesterday. I always feel calmer when I'm in an ordered environment. There's likely to be some psychological explanation for that. I just like things in their places, and when there's stuff everywhere I become a little insane. So yesterday I not only cleared up the crap, I moved the furniture around. Well some of it. There's not much I can do in my teeny-tiny living space. However, I created floor space, which I'm extremely pleased about. The fact that I shoved a lot of stuff into my very pretty Laura Ashley storage boxes can be ignored. At least it isn't visible any more. I wish I had room for a little desk in here. I'm getting such bad posture writing like this. *This* being sitting on the bed sort of twisted sideways. Sounds like I'm a contortionist, but it's simpler than that. Not very comfy though. When you have two people trying to cram themselves and all their stuff into a small room, things could get ugly. Fortunately we are managing, but stuff does tend to accumulate, and I'm filling the loft space up pretty fast with things that just don't go anywhere at the moment. Not sure my nan realises how much stuff I actually have up there!  

For all my tidying up yesterday, I am very disorganised thought-wise today. I need some sort of mental-tidy. This post is going to read like a walk through my mind. Right - decision time. I will postpone my appointment. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. Yes...?

Ex-Men

This post is brought to you by new my new laptop. Yes, dear reader, I had to get a new one. Sadly my poor old Toshi netbook bit the dust. The day after my last post actually. It was as if it knew what I had written and was determined to prevent me from following through with my new plan to write every day. Damn technology...! So here I sit with my shiny new ruby red Toshi, while the BF watches Spain vs Italy, which I find odd. Why watch a match between two teams you don't support? Some strange form of man-ness that I will probably never get my head around. Speaking of strange forms of man-ness, I had a weird encounter yesterday with an ex of mine. I consider myself fairly fortunate that I never come across any of my exes, for various reasons. Mostly, they don't live around here, which is good. And I don't have them on Facebook. Anyway, he came into my place of enslavement and proceeded to chat to me as if we're some kind of talking buddies. I broke up with him four years ago. It was a mutual thing, and we even stayed in contact for a while. I hadn't seen him in two years, when I went to his work, (new BF in tow), to return his Star Trek dvds. We had an awkward five minute conversation during which my BF flexed his muscles and looked imposingly at my ex. It was hilarious. (The ex is considerably skinnier than the BF, who has the most enormous guns. And earrings. And tattoos. I think the ex thought I was dating a Hell's Angel or something!) I digress... In fact during this brief meeting yesterday, I was forced to re-assess my entire relationship with the ex. For one thing, I didn't see him when he came in so he spoke to one of the girls and I heard him say, "I'd like my usual person to serve me please". I recognised the voice and thought 'usual person'?! What the f*** does that mean?! We haven't been anything in four years, let alone 'usual'! Then I checked myself and remembered that is exactly typical of the sort of social blunder he would make. Then he rambled on about where he's living now and something about a parrot he's looking after. I hate parrots. They freak me out, I don't like the way they stare at you. It's creepy, like they're working out how best to kill you. My GBF's grandad had a pet parrot and I think this is where my dislike of parrots began. It was a particularly scary bird with steely grey eyes. *shudder* Ok, back to the subject. After the parrot talk, he said "see you around" and left. I was quite relieved. It can be so tiresome to have to make small talk with a person you used to date. I was speaking to someone about it later in the day and he said, but you must have loved him back then? And I honestly don't know if I did. Is that dreadful? I was with him for four years and I'm not sure I ever loved him. I thought then that I did, but now... I don't think so. I could never have lived with him. He had habits that were beyond annoying. When I went over to his place, he spent so much time playing Halo, I sometimes wondered why I was there. He once told me that my 'habit' of making the bed was annoying. When I first went over to his, he had no duvet cover or pillowcases, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised by that revelation. When we went on holiday, it was always to the same place in the New Forest for the same three days over Easter. Three days was honestly about my limit. I think perhaps I always knew that he wasn't the long term guy. He was younger than me, I was his first real relationship. There's no way it would have lasted, and maybe it's surprising it lasted as long as it did. I bear him no ill-will; we just have nothing to talk about any more. Relationships run their course and become a memory. Sure there were good times, but really, we were nothing serious. The one good thing I take from that experience is the knowledge that it taught me what I didn't want from a man. And that I wanted a man, not a boy pretending to be a man. What I have now is a proper, functioning relationship with someone who shares my ideals in life, that I can live with easily and spend days on end with, without getting annoyed. He doesn't make social faux pas, talks easily with my family, fits in with my friends (they love him), has a brilliant sense of humour and a nice bum. These are things I find important. This is what love is. Also he likes cats :-) The only ex I have contact with is my GBF. We worked hard on that though. It was a long road to friendship, not back, but forwards to a new kind of relationship. We're fortunate that my BF and his new husband are accepting of us and the history we have. That's why they're the good ones :-) No man who hasn't been able to accept us has stuck around, and really, why would we have wanted them to?! We're planning a short break in Cardiff soon - the four of us - and I'm sure it will be a fun time. I think that the ex expected us to have a relationship like I have with GBF. He idolised him in lots of ways. But it could never have happened, and really I never wanted it to. He hung around us for ages after we broke up, tagging along on nights out, when he never wanted to before. It was a forced friendship, always uneasy and often the result of him inviting himself to our nights out. I was rather pleased when we cut all contact. The only ex I want around is my GBF - he isn't competing for my attention with the BF, I could always talk to him about man problems (pre-BF of course!) and we share a love of Sex and the City, Kylie and shoes! Boyfriends (including exes) never understand those things ;-)

Future Thinking... and a Wedding :-)

So it's been a while... I keep thinking about things to write, then it all seems so pointless and I wonder why I'm doing this. Then I remembered today that the reason I'm doing this is to document all those crappy feelings and good times. So I'm back in a more permanent capacity. Planning to write at least three times a week from now on because today I also made some more decisions about the future. I have decided I don't want to compromise on my life. I'm going to concentrate my efforts on writing my novel, making it better, getting an agent and hopefully getting published. The careers advisor stuff has made me realise that I don't want to settle for a job I'm not completely committed to. Or interested in. I've been postponing my final meeting because, in all honesty, I haven't been sticking to the action plan. I know, very bad, they are trying to help. But I wasn't entirely honest with them. I told the advisor I wanted a job in publishing or editorial. And while I can say the words, I can't carry it through to any kind of conclusion. I can't even bring myself to look on the websites for which she sent me the links. Is this a terrible thing? Am I fooling myself that I can be a 'real' writer? I spend so much time convincing myself that I'm not good enough when in reality my problem is a fear of failure. But the truth is that I'll never know if I don't try. I'm sure plenty of people say this behind my back because I say it to myself all the time. And if I recognise the problem, but don't address it, surely other people recognise it too? In some ways I wish people would just say 'get on with it, have a go' instead of tiptoing around the issue. Whenever I say I haven't really achieved anything, they say things about my academic achievements. Which are not to be sniffed at, that's true enough. I don't mean the academic stuff though, I mean life stuff. And I find it hard talking to the BF about this because he's older than me and feels the same way. All his friends and siblings are married, lots of them have children and they all have their own places. We are childless, unmarried and live with my grandparents. And we're over thirty. Which is the point of the blog, right? 'Stuff about being 30'. Today I feel like being this age shouldn't hold me back. I've been watching Sex and the City. When I was younger, I enjoyed the show, but now I'm actually in the 30+ age bracket, I identify more with a lot of what it says. Before, when I ticked the 20-29 box, I loved the message of female solidarity and the love stories (of course). Now I understand what it means about being over thirty and being a woman. People see you a certain way; they judge you on what you have achieved by this age. For the Sex and the City girls, it's judgment for not being married and not having children by 35. For me, it's the realisation that I could get to 35 and still be stuck where I am now. I am determined not to let that happen. I'm sick of people coming into my place of work and commenting 'how long have you been here?' Clearly, too long. My next step has to be one that involves changing my duller-than-ditchwater job for something a little more stimulating and focussing on my ideas for the future. Watch this space folks... Now - a new subject. Last Friday, June 1st. My GBF got married. It was a spectacularly fabulous day. His sisters and I had our hair and make-up done, put on dresses he made for the occasion and I walked him down the aisle on a boat. It was just lovely. There was a slight hiccup with my reading for the ceremony when I realised I didn't have the words (they were supposed to be on my chair. They were not). Turned out the best man had them with his reading! So that broke the tension a bit, which was good for me at least. I thought I would be very nervous doing the reading as public speaking isn't one of my favourite things. Turned out fine though, I treated it as a performance, channelling things I learnt in drama class, ooh, years ago! The sun shone, we had Pimms on the lawn next to the river, threw rose petal confetti, had a gorgeous meal, drank wine and danced the night away :-) It was a beautiful wedding. Just thought I'd share that.

Positivity, Narcotics and Pudding

An update I think is the way to go with this entry dear reader.

Firstly the careers appointment. I came away with the feeling that things may not actually be as shit as I think they are. Well, in the future that is. But part of the 'optimism' thing that I'm trying out is looking to the future and not seeing a big black cloud of doom and gloom. So, continuing with this theme, I have a neat little action plan detailing a bunch of stuff to do - update and revamp the old CV, look up companies and do 'speculative applications' which sounds super scary and complicated but isn't. All in all a successful first meeting. Even if the careers advisor was a bit scatty and disorganised. I will overlook that as she was helpful :-) I have a second meeting arranged for next week and have some things on my list to tick off before then. Ah, motivation...

Secondly, the hair. It's blonde. I like it. That is all.

Thirdly, the night out. The drunk annoying people were not out in force, which made me happy. Although there were a couple of idiots dancing on the tables, security sorted them out fairly sharpish. A good girly night out :-)

I have to say though, I did receive a bit of a shock in the toilets of one bar. It's a small place with only two cubicles, one of which was out of order and the other (rather interestingly) has two toilets in it. I'd popped to the loo with one of the girls and, as there wasn't a queue, I went in first. (We're close, but not peeing-together-close). When I came out, another girl had come in and was chatting to my friend. She persuaded my friend to go in with her, and I carried on washing my hands. Less than a minute later the toilet door opened and my friend came out and whispered that the girl was doing coke in the toilet! Now if it had been up to me, I'd have reported it to the staff. However, I didn't really see the girl and by the time it would have taken us to get back downstairs and found someone to tell, she would have been out of the toilets anyway. And my friend didn't want to tell on the girl - you really don't know what people could get like and I think she was a bit afraid of that which is understandable. The shock for me though was that someone was taking drugs in that particular bar. It never strikes me as the sort of place where that kind of thing goes on. If I see it again I won't think twice about reporting it.

I've always had a zero tolerance attitude to drugs. An ex of mine used to smoke pot regularly and I made it perfectly clear that I would not tolerate it. I told him if he ever showed up stoned at my house, that would be it. I don't know what he got up to with his friends, and I never asked. I suspect he was doing it. My attitude towards drugs seemes to have stemmed from those ads in magazines in the late 1990s with people's brains and insides highlighted to show what the drug does to you when you take it. I think it was pretty well drummed into me that drugs were very bad. It was also around the time that Leah Betts died from taking Ecstasy on a night out. The picture of her that was in the news really shocked me I think. I have never wanted to take any sort of illegal substance. I guess some people might consider that very 'square' but I don't care. Why poison yourself? You don't know what's really in those things half the time so why take the risk? I never smoked a cigarette for the same reasons - plus it's toxic, smelly, rots your insides and can give you multiple diseases. I once saw pictures of a gangrenous foot and a blackened lung which were caused by smoking. I decided then, at the age of 13 I was never going to smoke. I'm rather proud of the fact that I stuck to that.

Alcohol on the other hand was a different matter. I never considered drinking booze as poisoning my body. However I have had nights, like everyone, when the drink has been too much for me to handle and I have suffered the unpleasant consequences. I no longer drink myself into a stupor as it's not cool and it's no fun not being able to move the next day for fear of your head exploding. I try to drink in moderation, which may sound boring but it's nice to be able to get up the next day, remembering everything clearly and not feeling a need to chain yourself to the toilet. Also, recently I've been getting headaches while drinking, so cutting down only seems sensible. I think maybe getting older is a factor... that's what I will blame it on anyway! My advancing years... ;-)

Tonight I am having pudding with a school friend. I may have mentioned this before - we meet every so often to eat delicious puddings and catch up. No-one else is invited. I love pudding. Although I am trying to be good. Two weddings to go to, need to look good in pictures. Also, as one of the dresses I'm wearing is being made to measure by the GBF for his civil partnership, I am not allowed to put on weight. Or lose any, as I was told on Monday during my fitting! So, small pudding only. And I should not be eating the Easter eggs, but people insist on giving them to me...

Now I have to go and work out how to cook some chicken with some kind of barbeque spice-shake-thing... should be interesting!

Today's Random Thoughts

So. Tomorrow is my careers appointment. The CV is printed and ready to be scrutinised. I don't think there's anything wrong with it but the website says I should take it. I don't really know what to expect from it. I hope it will be worthwhile and I will come out of the meeting all fired up and ready to start on whatever the plan turns out to be. I live in hope.

Also tomorrow I'm getting my hair done. Blonder please, no more roots. I let my BF's sister, who is a hairdresser, dye my hair brown last year. It was fun for a while, but when I decided to go back to blonde it was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I didn't realise that you can't just shove a colour on top and it will make everything better. Apparently it doesn't work like that. So it has taken forever to get it back to 'normal'. I need more blonde! Going out with the girlies on Saturday so do not want bad hair.

Speaking of going out, I think I'm becoming increasingly picky about where I want go and how often. I spent two and a half hours last Saturday night on the phone to the GBF instead of going out. The BF went along to the pub to meet his sister and some friends, and I had a nice long uninterrupted chat. Then at about midnight I decided to have a bath. It was lovely, so quiet and relaxing. Sometimes it's so much nicer to stay in. I know I've said this before but it's true. I have three big nights out coming up and I'm trying to be enthusiatic about it all. Maybe it's because I don't go out as often, but I tend to find myself getting annoyed with drunk people these days. Why do people insist on getting so completely hammered that they no longer have control of their basic motor functions? Arms and legs flailing everywhere, drinks flying in all directions, elbows in the face from over-exuberent 'dance moves'. Not to mention the sweaty beer-swilling idiots who seem to think that they can butt into your evening by trying to dance with you. The local bars and clubs seem to be rife with perverts and people who can't handle their drink. I probably sound like a right Moaning Minnie! Ah well, maybe by Saturday I'll be in a better mood about it all... It's not like I don't want to go, I just wish people wouldn't get so pissed and act like total dicks.

Right. Rant over. I have to go and make sausage pasta. Laters.

That Last Little Thread...

Firstly, an explanation. I wish I could say I haven't written because I've been fabulously busy or off on some exotic holiday, but the reality is I just haven't been that inspired to say anything. All that has changed though as today Something Happened.

The final thread snapped.

You know what I mean - sometimes it takes just the teeniest thing to push you over the edge and make you take action. It's taken a long time for me but finally that moment has come. I Have Had Enough. The last frail thread of elastic holding it all together finally snapped. I came home from the place I call work and began to take action. First I checked out some careers advice, and plan to call tomorrow to arrange an appointment with a careers advisor where, hopefully, they can help me put together a plan of action to get me on the right path. This is a positive step I think. Second, I have updated my LinkedIn profile. I signed up ages ago but never really bothered to do much with it. But today I have filled in the gaps in the hope that somebody will read it and it will make a difference. I feel better for doing this, although I have no idea if it will do any good. At least I have tried.

I don't feel as though I've really tried in a long time. Jobseeking can be very disheartening when nothing comes of your search. I've been searching for much longer than I ever expected to be. But I feel that when little thread snapped, it made me more aware of myself and what I have to do. I need to make things happen, not wait around for them. If there are three hundred people applying for a job, I need to know how to make my application stand out, how to impress at an interview. And I feel like an action plan with clear goals is the way forward. I don't know why I haven't thought of this before. I work so much better with a clear deadline. I think I've been so caught up in the whole must-find-a-job mindset, I've neglected to think of how best to do it. So... progress is made.

More on this to come. I never promised this would be a long post :-)

V-Day

Ah, Valentine's Day. I find myself conflicted as ever by this strange day. While I have no problem at all with people wishing to express their feelings for another, I do wonder why so much fuss is made over one little day.

I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. Haven't for years, ever since a well-meaning ex took me out for a 'romantic' meal. We sat approximately three centimetres away from the next couple because the restaurant had separated the tables into as many 'dinner for two' arrangements as possible and there simply wasn't enough space. Not very romantic when you can hear everyone else's conversations. So I have made it very clear ever since that I do not do Valentine's Day meals. Or presents. As cute as they may be, I don't need a teddy holding a heart. I don't want naff novelty gifts either thank you. I probably wouldn't say no to flowers but I don't think there needs to be a special day for that. I'd accept flowers any day :-)

My BF is not the romantic sort. Well, not in a traditional way. He's never given me flowers, which makes me a bit sad, cos I quite like flowers. We did exchange cards today (mine has a cupcake on it. Full marks for that), but he does so much for me that maybe other people wouldn't think of as romantic. It's the little every day things that count, isn't it? And I don't really need the flowers...

The thing that bugs me the most about Valentine's Day is that it's so commercial. It's all about getting the perfect card with exactly the right words in it. The perfect gift which sums up your feelings. The perfect meal... blah blah blah. It's all built up so much that something is bound to be a disappointment. And the magazines - pushing that perfect look for Valentine's Day, guaranteed to knock his socks off. Pages and pages of lingerie sets to make his jaw drop. (If you give in and buy one of these it is destined to end up hardly worn, stuffed to the back of the drawer because the lace is that super itchy kind or because suspender belts are way too fiddly to bother with). Why all the effort for one day? Surely if you love someone you tell them every day anyway and do something to show that you love them?

One of my best Valentine's Days was a few years ago when me and my GBF were both single. We went out to a V-Day themed night at a bar and spent the whole night ignoring everyone else! Brilliant. People say that being single on V-Day sucks but it doesn't have to. It's a state of mind. I guess if you're unhappily single (or recently dumped) then it must seem like the Worst Day Ever. Especially with loved up folk going around all smoochy and doe-eyed. But the best remedy in my humble opinion is to shake and shimmy it off :D

I've been avoiding Facebook today. I took a look earlier and was confronted with some seriously soppy messages. I just have this thing where I think that stuff is private between people and I don't want to read how much you lurve your partner. It's too much information sometimes! It's nice that you're happy, really it is. But tone it down, I mean it's a public place, for goodness sake. I myself am very happy with the BF, but I'm not about to write gushing paragraphs about it for you nosey lot to read ;-)

Also, I was reading up on the St Valentine that all this nonsense is supposedly based around, and there doesn't appear to be any reference any where to him being associated with romantic gestures. He seems to have been a Christian persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II who tried to force him to become a pagan. Valentine refused and instead attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity. When this failed, Claudius had him executed. However, before his execution, he is reported to have cured the jailer's daughter of her blindness. Further tales, largely considered to be embellished, tell of Valentine being a priest who refused to abide by a law stating that young men in the Roman army should remain single. Valentine is supposed to have secretly performed marriages for these men. When he was found out, he was arrested. On the night before his execution, the tale tells that he wrote the first 'valentine' to the jailer's daughter, signed 'from your Valentine'. St Valentine's Day is also no longer a recognised festival in the Catholic calendar, and is largely celebrated today because of a poem written by Geoffrey Chaucer, entitled Parliament of Foules (1382), which appears to give reference to the day. By the fifteenth century, the traditions of giving flowers, sweets and handwritten notes known as 'valentines' had come into being.

So there we have it. It's bloody Chaucer's fault. I knew we had more reason to curse him, other than the hours spent in A Level English trying to figure out what on earth the Wife of Bath is about.

Now the history lesson is over, I would like to say - I hope you have a lovely evening, whether you are loved up and going out for one of those overpriced meals where you practically sit on the next couple's laps, or spending the night on your own with a dvd boxset and a huge box of chocs (and even huger glass of vino). I will be spending tonight much the same as any other - making dinner for the BF (sausage and mash with my homemade onion gravy, for any interested parties), and maybe watching a movie. Happy Valentine's Day :-)

Ramble Zone

I must begin this post with an apology. My sister read the last post and was miffed that I left her off my list of people. So this is for you - sorry. Forgive me? :-)

Ah, now that's out of the way. I actually am not sure what the subject of this blog will be. Let's just see where the whimsy takes me...

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend from university. We met up around this time last year, so figured we might as well have another catch up. He doesn't actually live that far away so we could probably meet more often, but you know how these things go. You say you'll meet, time slips by and you don't. Before you know it a whole year has gone by. So we're meeting for lunch tomorrow at a sort of halfway point between our towns. Only seemed fair really. Last year we met in Southampton because that's where we went to uni, then realised we should have met somewhere closer for both of us. Duh.

It's nice to catch up with old friends. It's funny, I don't keep in close contact with the people from uni that I thought I would. One of the girls I thought I was good friends with 'de-friended' me on Facebook a few months after we left uni. Bit weird, but I figured it was her loss. I keep in better contact with people I went to college with. We usually try to have a get together at least once a year. Last time was at the local bowling alley. Hilarity and madness ensued, as it does when the college clan gets together. There's a small group of us who stay in regular contact, mostly through Facebook, if truth must be told. But when we make the effort to meet up it's always worth it. There's an Avengers plan being cooked up. We're all fans of the great Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy, Angel and Firefly for those not in the know. Shame on you). So it seems fitting that our next shindig should involve the new Avengers movie.

It's odd how people drop out of your life. Even those you were once close to. Like at school, I had a very tight group of friends. We met up every break and sat in the same seats at lunch. We had countless sleepovers, watching Clueless and The Lion King over and over. Playing truth or dare and making up totally crap dance routines to the likes of Five and Steps. Cringe. But we were young and having fun. It could have worse. We didn't smoke or take drugs. But the group started to break up after year 11 when some of us stayed for sixth form and some left or went to college. Then there was life after school. A couple of our group went to uni, and I got married a year later at 19. Life goes in different directions and it becomes difficult to stay in contact or even identify with those friends any more, at least not the way you used to. We had a little reunion last year when one of the girls, who had moved to South Africa, was back visiting family and messaged us asking if we wanted to meet. It was our first meet up in years. It was good to catch up and reminisce about the old school days. It's funny how you slip into the old familiar ways of chatting. I hope we continue to have those reunions, as it helps keep us connected.

There are people I should keep in better contact with. A good friend from school who has lived in Derby since attending the university there, we dip in and out of contact. A couple of years ago we had both gone through a rough time emotionally and we re-bonded over that. That, Bill and Ted and The Big Bang Theory :-) We always manage to pick up wherever we left off; it's as though no time has passed at all. He also introduced me to the delights of La Tasca. And for that I shall be ever thankful. But, as he recently pointed out to me, it has been well over a year since we last met up. Inexcusable really. So this must be rectified. I partially blame myself, as so often when you get a new BF, other friends can become sidelined. (It doesn't help when said friend lives halfway up the country. Or wherever Derby is. My geography is not good). Geographical location should not be an excuse however. It isn't in fact. There is no excuse. There are sketchy plans for a catch up :-) I hope it becomes a reality.

It is difficult maintaining friendships. If we are honest with ourselves, we only have so much to give. Maybe we need to stop spreading ourselves so thinly and concentrate on the most rewarding of our relationships. Facebook (yes that again) and other social networks give the impression we all lead such varied and exciting lives, all of us competing to look the most popular and/or interesting. Why do we work so hard to portray that image? I admit to posting a lot of pictures, but that's usually just to share them wih the people I was out with. If anyone was to look carefully, the same few people pop up in my photos. I like to see what people are getting up to, don't get me wrong. And I'd like to see more of some of my old friends, people I was actually friends with in Real Life. Some of them have been kind enough to let me know they read this blog and enjoy it. So thanks to you, old friends.

My Party RIP

Disappointed. Let down. A bit pissed off. Not necessarily in that order. I guess it's times like this when you find out who your real friends are.

I'm feeling miffed because I've decided to cancel my birthday party. Yes, yes, my birthday was at the beginning of the month, but due to various factors I moved the party to this coming Saturday. I'd had to move the date and venue a couple of times and when I finally settled on a day and place a bunch of people dropped out, most of them complaining that the fact I'd moved the party to a town a few miles down the road was the problem, rendering the whole thing a bit pointless. I couldn't really see the point in having a party for just a few people so I cancelled it.

Honestly, I'd fallen out of love with the idea of it by then as well. Too much moving it around and the lack of enthusiasm from some of the people I invited have all contributed to the downfall of my party. I still like the idea but I felt like I'd be disappointed by it if I went ahead. So now I am simply planning a night out (in the same town) and I will know that the people who come are the people I can count as my true friends.

Funny, I think I can count my 'real' friends on my fingers. Who are the 105 people I have on Facebook? If I'd added everyone who has requested me as a friend it would be a lot higher, I just don't want people I never spoke to in school on my list of 'friends'. I have no interest in collecting 'friends' the way some folk do. Let's be honest, most of us fill our Facebook page with family members, acquaintances, friends of friends we met at parties and people we went to school with who we haven't spoken to in years and don't talk to now we have re-established some form of contact. The amount of names on the list who are actual friends is likely to be tiny in proportion. My 'real life' friends are those I see on a regular basis or at least speak to if meeting up is not possible.

Speaking of Facebook, what is it with these constant status updates and 'checking into' places? People keep tryin to tag me in these posts and since I have disabled most of those settings, I get notices instead telling me that I have been checked into somewhere! Very annoying. Those who live every minute of their lives on Facebook really niggle me. It seems to me that they need to fulfil some sort of need for attention by sounding out every single thing they do, every minute of the day. Nobody cares what you had for lunch, even if it was the most epic sandwich ever. There's something a little bit sad about this culture of updating everything you do to a social network, in the hope that somebody will comment on it, as if this somehow validates your existence. Yes! Twenty-seven 'likes'! I have friends! Er, no. You have 27 people who 'like' your post/picture/video/whatever. It's interesting. You may be thinking, that's rich coming from you. You're writing a blog. True. I am writing a blog. Difference is, I'm not writing it to validate my existence or prove that I have friends. I write from a sheer need to write. This is my forum. Nobody's forcing you to read this. When I receive a bunch of crap in my newsfeed about the 12 cups of coffee someone's had today or the fact that someone else is tired and wants to go to bed, I wonder - how is this interesting to others? If you have nothing of worth to say, say nothing. I only post when I have something to say. Same with this blog. I don't post every day. I'd bore myself silly.

Facebook-related rant over!

Back to subject - Oh yes. Friends. I have a rather close-knit group, consisting of:

* one girl I met at college after accidentally throwing my pen at her
* my GBF and his lovely fiance
* GBF's youngest sister who I've known since she was 11
* one girl I used to work who has become a good friend

This is my group of go-to people. They are the ones I choose to go out dancing with. They are the ones who listen to the problems. They are the ones who have picked up the pieces after broken relationships, mine and theirs. We share ideas, hopes, dreams, secrets. We bond over tea and cake, wine and dancing, movies and nibbles. It's unshakeable and grows stronger over time.

There are other friends of course. People I see every so often. We meet and catch up. One in particular from school, we have Pudding Nights where we go to a pub and order pudding. No meal. Just pudding. It's a quirk we enjoy. With others, there's texting, chatting on Facebook, occasional reunions with much reminiscing and merriment. These are all times to enjoy and cherish. Real friends are special people. I hope you know who you are.

Time To Take Control

Admit it. Sometimes it seems like you are not in control of your own life at all. Even small decisions are taken out of your hands. And sometimes it is those small things that put the bigger things into perspective.

Take tonight for example. My mum baked me a (belated) chocolate cake for my birthday and brought it round this afternoon. This evening, after dinner, I went to cut a slice for the BF and myself. Then my nan comes strolling into the kitchen (oh yes, I neglected to mention that we currently live with my grandparents. Not an ideal situation believe me), and demands I cut a piece for my uncle (oh yes, he stays with us three nights a week because of work being here and him actually living in Wales. Complicated? Oh yeah). Not asks. Demands. Now I'd have happily offered him a piece myself, and was actually going to anyway. But the decision was taken straight out of my hands. She had already told him he could have a piece. Slightly irritated by the fact she hadn't asked, I cut a slice and put it on the plate she had thoughtfully left out. Then she commented that it was tiny. So even when I do what she wants, it isn't right. Just can't seem to win.

Now you may be reading this, thinking it all seems a bit petty perhaps. And maybe it is. But like I said, sometimes small things appear bigger and escalate into even bigger things. I felt like the 'who eats the cake' decision being taken out of my hands represented a whole host of other issues. Such as the decision about where I live. I am effectively stuck here. I can't afford to leave. My job is pathetic. A well trained chimp could do it. I have done so much job-hunting it makes me want to scream. I have a friend who is always asking when I'm going to 'get a proper job'. She thinks I'm too picky. Actually the issue is this - I graduated university at a time when there are more graduates than there are jobs to give them. The last interview I went to had 300 applicants. I was lucky to get a second interview, but sadly that was as far as it went. Around here, pretty much the only jobs around are in retail and I'm not interested in retail. Also, I tried in mad desperation to apply for some of those jobs. I think they take one look at my CV and say 'hmmm, she has a media degree, what's she applying here for?' and toss it in the bin. So, I have come to this conclusion - I am over-qualified for all the retail jobs. I am under-experienced for the jobs I like the look of. And the rest I'm either not qualified for (IT, teaching) or I have no interest in. So where does that leave me? Floating aimlessly in a boring, pointless job that was only ever intended as a temporary filler. How did it come to this?

When I was 15 I had a plan. I was going to be a journalist and work for Smash Hits. Now unfortunately that great publication is gone and I am not a journalist. Instead I am sitting here at gone midnight, rambling on about how things have not gone to plan. I have ideas. I'm not totally washed up. I left university full of hope for the future. I was going to write great screenplays and a novel. And maybe a cartoon series. These are all things I had started as various projects at uni and fully intended on finishing and making sackfuls of money out of them. Then grim reality set in. I think I lost confidence in my work and stopped writing so much and so often. This blog is probably the most writing I have done in a good long while. And sadly it isn't fiction.

But I want to pull myself out the sad little rut I've been in. I am going to make changes. This big old 3-0 thing has woken me up to the hard fact that I have wasted enough time arsing about serving poxy cups of tea to largely ungrateful, rude people. (Believe me when I tell you that the vast majority of customers can't even begin a sentence with 'hello'. That equals rude in my book). It isn't good enough for me. Some folks may be content with mediocrity and a poorly paid job, but I've had my fill of it and then some. I am going to change things this year. Here is my list:

1. Leave the crappy job. And find something more suited to my skills and talents.
2. Get my own place with the BF. I have been here long enough. I am grateful to my grandparents for putting me up when I had nowhere else to go, but really, I need my own space. And my own kitchen, where I can do what I want with the cake.
3. Start seriously saving. I have a little, but it's peanuts really.

Okay, it's a short list. But fairly comprehensive I think. I have realised today that I am not very happy. There are a few things I am happy with - BF, friends, I'm not fat, my skin's quite nice, feet don't smell. Little things. I can honestly say that the one person who makes me feel not entirely pathetic is my BF. He told me that if my job made me that depressed, I should leave and he would pay for my small amount of outgoings. He wants me to be happy so much that he would take on my financial burdens. I think I might keep him :-) He is the one thing in my little world that makes me smile every day. Even now when he is laying the wrong way round on the bed, hugging a pillow and snoring slightly.

Now that I have written a To-Do list and made it so very public, I will have to stick to it. The big issues getting sorted will lead to my future happiness and security. For now though, I will be content with some of the little things - watching Angel and snuggling up with the BF :-)

Staying In Is The New Going Out - Sometimes Anyway!

Is it just me or does the idea of spending every weekend out drinking hold less appeal than it used to? I spent Saturday night watching season five of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating Christmas chocolates. Bliss. I actually fell asleep before midnight with the TV on, only to wake up at 1am to find that the BF was still out and the TV was still on. A text message or two later and I discovered they were at a club and were not coming back any time soon. I promptly went back to sleep, to be awoken at 3.40am to find the BF slightly worse for wear snoozing on the floor, wrapped in a blanket! Ah bless.

I was supposed to go out with him, his sister and some others, but I was knackered after working all day and really couldn't be bothered with getting changed and staying out 'til stupid o'clock drinking. So off he went without me, and I didn't mind at all. I did feel a bit bad for cancelling at the last minute, but it doesn't hurt for us to have a little time apart to see friends and family. Plus I totally wasn't in the mood for socialising. I wanted to spend some quality time with my favourite vampire slayer :-)

I like having time by myself. It's the one thing you lose a bit when you live with your partner. One of my favourite things used to be snuggling up under a blanket with a bag of Doritos and a good film or dvd boxset and just enjoying the me time. It's also healthy to have separate interests and not spend every second together. Once a week I do aerobics with a friend and sometimes have movie nights at her house. It means I get some exercise in and also gives me and BF some space. When I'm out he takes the time to visit his sister or just watch a movie he knows I won't like (scary movies especially).

I just don't feel the need to spend every Saturday night out on the town these days either. Part of it is probably because I have better things to spend my money on than booze and door entry fees. But part of it is that I just like staying in. It means the times I do go out I enjoy it more and try to make it a really good night. I'm sure this is not an age thing because the BF is seven years older than me and he still likes a night out! I wonder if it's partly because when I was going out every weekend, I was single and so were my best friends so we all enjoyed going out a lot. But now we're all happily coupled up we do other things, like meeting for lunch or going round my GBF's for dinner. It seems to be more about spending quality time together rather than shouting in each other's ears in a noisy bar. Don't get me wrong, I still like those noisy bars. I just like them in moderation these days! Now, where's my cup of tea and slippers? ;-)

Age = Self Confidence?

Strange. I'm feeling odd. Not in an ill sort of way. In a sort-of-different way. I went out on Saturday night for the first time in, ahem, ages. Halloween actually. That hasn't happened in - can't remember how long. Anyway, I went out with a couple of girls I hadn't seen in ages. Sitting in the bar drinking a glass (or three) of rose, I realised I was older than both of them. In a different decade in fact. Slightly weird? Yes. They are both annoyingly attractive and financially more successful than me, which became apparant during the course of the conversation. A bit irritating? Yes.

But as the night progressed and we moved on to another bar (this one has a dancefloor, yay), I realised something else. They are both terribly insecure, despite their looks. I may be financially insecure but I appear to have more self-confidence than either of them. One was really self-conscious about her dress and needs to drink rather a lot to feel comfortable dancing. She looked fantastic in the dress and had nothing to worry about. The other looks good in everything but doesn't seem to know when she's had enough wine and hasn't had a proper boyfriend the entire time I've known her. That may be a lifestyle choice, although I'm not not certain it is, as we were talking men (as us girls do) and when I mentioned nice things the BF does for me, she said several times 'I need a man like that'.

I didn't care a jot what anyone thought when they looked at my outfit (playsuit with black shorts and leopard print top with gold and black glitter wedges, for anybody who cares). I don't need to drink to dance. I'd dance anyway. I probably did have a little more to drink than I usually would, but I stopped when I knew I'd had enough and got a bottle of water. I have a lovely BF, so don't worry about trying to attract male attention when I'm out. I think being a little older means you get a bit more comfy in your own skin. Maybe you stop caring about what other people think. I figured out quite a while ago that nobody really gives a toss what shapes you throw on the dancefloor; most people are too busy having their own fun. Or are too pissed to notice.

While I'd like the financial benefits my friend's jobs give them, I wouldn't trade my self-confidence for it. Some things money just can't buy. I'm not saying I never look in the mirror and go 'arghhh!' or that I'm Miss Super-Confident. That's not true. I just feel that I have gained a sense of happiness and content in some areas of my life and those things give me the confidence to just be me. I feel a song coming on...'I am the one and only, nobody I'd rather be...' Got to love a bit of Chesney :-)

Well, Now That's Out Of The Way!

Phew. It's all over. And I have come out of it unscathed. Interesting. Woke up yesterday morning and it didn't really feel like my birthday. But then, what does a birthday feel like...? Opened some pressies, very nice, had some breakfast and went off to London.

Ah London. I have a rather ambiguous attitude to our great capital. On the one hand I enjoy visiting as there's always something new to do, or least something I haven't done or seen before. On the other hand, there are so many people and they're always in such a hurry! And I usually leave with a headache, especially if I've been near Oxford Street. Weird. I had a lovely day out though, particularly our trip on the London Eye. I've wanted to go on it for ages, so it was a good birthday treat :-) I quite fancied visiting the British Film Museum until we realised it wasn't free and we'd just spent quite a lot on the Eye! So that idea gave way to a nice, albeit rather windy, walk up past the Houses of Parliament into Trafalgar Square and on towards Tottenham Court Road (where I nearly got blown off my feet). The British Museum was our destination of choice and very good it was too. I came away with a novelty USB stick in the shape of an Egyptian mummy. I think it's cute. But then I can be a bit strange.

Dinner at Pizza Express followed, where they were doing 20p puddings. Dough balls with Nutella dip? It would be rude not to for 20p! Then the inevitable headachey walk down to Oxford Circus tube station. I do wonder why it is that this particular stretch of pavement gives me a headache. Not just me either. The BF got one too. Probably a sympathy headache ;-)

As predicted, I gave my age hardly a fleeting thought. A teeny tiny one maybe, but for the most part I was just having a nice day out. And the fact that the BF was treating me made it all the better :-) Although I did buy him a hot chocolate. It seems that being 30 hasn't hit me yet. Or maybe I have accepted it. After all, it is a fact. What else is there to do but accept it? Can't turn the clock back. However, I received two cards with the number 30 on and I admit to feeling frowny about that. Oh and my birthday cake has a huge 3-0 on. That section will be the first to be eaten. Destroy the evidence obviously! Then deny all knowledge. What is this 'thirty' you speak of?

An Ending... or a New Beginning?

So, here I sit. Contemplating what it will mean. Today is the last day of my twenties. I'm not sure really how to feel about that. It's strange. After all, it's only a number. Isn't it? Does it mean I will have to be 'grown-up' or something? Am I not already 'grown-up'? It's an odd thing. People have kept asking me what I want for this birthday, saying it's an important one. Why? What makes it more important than any other birthday? Is it because it's, (whisper it) - 30? All I want for this birthday is to not be 30. But seeing as how that's impossible, I will settle for not going to work (seriously, turning 30 and having to be at work? As if the first thing isn't bad enough!) And as my twenties end (sob) I decided to start this blog as an incentive to make my thirties (argh, thirties!) a bit more productive.

So as this era ends, I find myself feeling reflective. What have I learned from this glorious age? Perhaps I should list them:

1. Good friends stay around no matter what shit goes on. I can count them on my fingers and know they will always be there.
2. Heartbreak happens but it makes you stronger when you come out the other side.
3. People that treat you like dog poo will get their comeuppance.
4. Some dates will be a disaster. Horrifying at the time but hilarious later on!
5. Education is essential but experience matters.
6. Getting divorced in your twenties isn't a bad thing. Especially when your ex is your GBF.
7. Spending four years in a directionless relationship with the world's most indecisive person isn't a bad thing either. It taught me what I wanted out of a relationship - direction and someone who knows their own mind.
8. Partying til they turn the lights on and throw you out is the best!
9. Waiting for the right person is definitely worth it. You know when it happens.
10. Good skincare starts at 17. I'm still getting asked for ID. Annoying at 21, brilliant now!

I've learned more than I thought! Tomorrow will be spent in London with the BF who is taking me to the London Eye :-) Thoughts of 30 will probably disappear, as I intend to have a good time. It's a bizarre transition, this twenties to thirties nonsense. We'll see how I feel on Friday when it's all over...