I'm sure I'm getting old.
Last night I went for a curry with a friend. Among the many things we chatted about, one of them was 'not being bothered about going out'. The short of it is - we're not. For the most part anyway. I remember I used to live for my Saturday nights out. Now it's difficult to get me to agree to do anything remotely sociable.
Take today. A few weeks ago the BF said his mum was having a barbeque. Then he realised it was the day after his work night out for which he was staying overnight and he would most likely be knackered. I thought we probably wouldn't go and promptly forgot about it. Today he came back around 1.30pm, had a bath and asked me, 'Are you ready to go then?' I was watching Letters to Juliet on Film4 and having a nice quiet, comfy day. So I looked up and said, 'Go where?', honestly confused. He said, 'To my mum's'. Then I remembered the barbeque. I was all ready to just stay in and do nothing. I was not prepared for socialising. I did that yesterday. I work in retail where it's always noisy and filled with people. I need time away from so many people. Not necessarily by myself, just quiet time, where I'm not pressured to talk. Going to a barbeque - anywhere, with anyone - was not something I felt I wanted to do. At a family gathering, you always feel that you have to be 'on', you know? Sociable, chatty, bright. I just want to be QUIET. (Also it's currently hailing outside. They won't be barbequing anything).
I just feel like a party pooper. I mooched about, taking ages to 'get ready'. Then I went to the living room and he said, 'Are you ready now?' and I was like, 'Yeah I suppose so'. Then he knew I didn't feel like going so I explained about my quiet day. He said I should stay here then. I know he wanted me to go and I feel mean. I wonder if he's in a grump about it and I'm sure his mum will ask where I am and why haven't I come too. I do feel bad about it, but also this is my day off. Shouldn't I be able to do what I want to do? I hope that doesn't come across as selfish. I just need more notice for a social engagement (I know, I forgot about it this time. Whatev's). I actually feel like I need to mentally get into a zone for socialising. Day to day, I struggle to maintain a cheery façade for the endless bouts of idiots that meander their way into the store. I need to re-charge. When I know (or remember) I have a social occasion, I can be prepared for it. Having them sprung on me is difficult. I believe this is referred to by psychologists as being introverted. I have known this for many years but I guess different facets of it can occur at different times. Right now, I am in a more 'quiet time' phase. I don't care much for being in loud places with lots of people. I'm valuing one-on-one time with friends as opposed to a group.
Am I a crotchety old lady?! Answers on a postcard please... ;-)
Saturday, 24 May 2014
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
Enlightenment
Well dear readers. Please disregard my last post in favour of this new one. I like to think it is more informed and enlightened.
New job - not good. The panic, mayhem and confusion from the first week? Maybe not standard, but certainly an indicator that things are not running smoothly. I have tried to be positive but really when it comes down to it, this job is not for me - and I am not for it. I resent all the sitting about, the constant emailing, the stress and pressure of it all. I don't think I was fully aware of what it would entail and nobody thought to inform me. I know you may be thinking - why didn't you ask? Well I would have if I'd have known what to ask. I have no previous office experience and no experience in this line of work at all. And based on this experience, I probably won't be looking for these sorts of jobs in the future.
Maybe a younger, fresher, not-32-year-old me would have enjoyed this job. Although she didn't like change much either. Saying that, she found the courage to leave a marriage that wasn't working. She went off to university. She moved in the BF and bought a cat. All big changes. But we'll never know, because I spent most of my twenties studying. And for what, people may ask? Yes, I've mostly worked in retail, but I recently realised that when I was studying, I wasn't focused on where I would end up after. I concentrated on the love of learning. Maybe if I'd put some effort into what 'might happen after uni', I wouldn't be in this situation right now... maybe, maybe. What's important is not to focus on the maybes. I spent a lot of time working in retail - so what? I don't want a high-pressure job. It doesn't excite me, it stresses me out and not in a good way. You know how sometimes stress is good? This is not good. This is the kind of stress that gives you headaches and makes you feel anxious about the whole day ahead. I can't carry on like that. No-one should.
I'm formulating a plan. Sort of. I can't say much about it. Ooh I feel like a spy or something.
I'm also considering going back to university. I've always thought I would (pretty much since leaving five years ago), and I'm wondering about doing a part-time MA. I need to look into it more, but it's definitely something I want to do.
So I leave you on this note dear reader - don't try to be someone you're not. It'll make you unhappy. And it's ok not to be who everyone wants you to be, or thinks you should be. It's ok to make bad decisions - that way you learn what you don't want and can make better decisions to get what you do want.
I'm off to make some better decisions...
New job - not good. The panic, mayhem and confusion from the first week? Maybe not standard, but certainly an indicator that things are not running smoothly. I have tried to be positive but really when it comes down to it, this job is not for me - and I am not for it. I resent all the sitting about, the constant emailing, the stress and pressure of it all. I don't think I was fully aware of what it would entail and nobody thought to inform me. I know you may be thinking - why didn't you ask? Well I would have if I'd have known what to ask. I have no previous office experience and no experience in this line of work at all. And based on this experience, I probably won't be looking for these sorts of jobs in the future.
Maybe a younger, fresher, not-32-year-old me would have enjoyed this job. Although she didn't like change much either. Saying that, she found the courage to leave a marriage that wasn't working. She went off to university. She moved in the BF and bought a cat. All big changes. But we'll never know, because I spent most of my twenties studying. And for what, people may ask? Yes, I've mostly worked in retail, but I recently realised that when I was studying, I wasn't focused on where I would end up after. I concentrated on the love of learning. Maybe if I'd put some effort into what 'might happen after uni', I wouldn't be in this situation right now... maybe, maybe. What's important is not to focus on the maybes. I spent a lot of time working in retail - so what? I don't want a high-pressure job. It doesn't excite me, it stresses me out and not in a good way. You know how sometimes stress is good? This is not good. This is the kind of stress that gives you headaches and makes you feel anxious about the whole day ahead. I can't carry on like that. No-one should.
I'm formulating a plan. Sort of. I can't say much about it. Ooh I feel like a spy or something.
I'm also considering going back to university. I've always thought I would (pretty much since leaving five years ago), and I'm wondering about doing a part-time MA. I need to look into it more, but it's definitely something I want to do.
So I leave you on this note dear reader - don't try to be someone you're not. It'll make you unhappy. And it's ok not to be who everyone wants you to be, or thinks you should be. It's ok to make bad decisions - that way you learn what you don't want and can make better decisions to get what you do want.
I'm off to make some better decisions...
Sunday, 2 March 2014
A Little Clarity
Oh how confusing things can be. After the complete riddle I wrote last time, I think it might be ok to explain things a little more clearly now.
I have recently begun a new job. It is totally and completely different from anything I have done before. I was left adrift for the entire first week, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was far from an ideal situation. It was not intentional on the part of my new employers, but nevertheless it did not fill me with hope and happiness for a successful future with them. I basically was left to do almost nothing, so there I sat feeling more and more useless and pathetic as the commotion raged on around me as everyone else tried to pick up the pieces of various catastrophes that had occurred, rather inconsiderately, during my first week. Needless to say, it was not a good introduction.
I spent that weekend wondering what the hell I had done. I had left a job I mostly liked and was comfortable doing, with people I liked and got on with. Why, I asked myself. The only possible answer I could come up with was money. I had been offered more money and the prospect of leaving retail and I just went, ok that sounds good. Did I think about anything else? Well yes I did, but I just kept thinking, 'if I earn more, we could save better and be able to move somewhere bigger'. That was my main motivation. Saving money and moving house. Not bad reasons I suppose. But the BF says money isn't everything, and he's right. Makes lots of things much easier though. So I had a major panic and begged the manager for my old job back. I decided that I couldn't possibly do the new job for a second longer than was necessary. Hence all the cryptic in my last post.
However, what I didn't bank on was the perceptive nature of my new manager. She leapt on the personality change she saw in the me she interviewed and the me she saw on the second Monday. So after a chat about how I was feeling in the new role (like getting blood from a stone; I made her work for the answers), I thought well maybe I'll give it a go. The first week was clearly disastrous and probably not an accurate picture of the day to day running of the place. So I apologised profusely to my old manager, said I was giving it another go and decided to give it a proper chance.
It went well for about three days. Then I started getting bad feelings again. Not the 'oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing-here' feeling, it's more a 'this-is-not-me' feeling. I am trying to fit in with it, but I just don't feel right about it still. Yes, it's all new. Yes, it's very different. Yes, I am a creature of habit. I don't like change. I react badly to it, it doesn't agree with me. When we moved house I was terribly grouchy because change stresses me out. We bought new bedroom furniture a couple of weeks ago and had to move everything around. Even that made me stressed! Maybe it will take a while to settle. My new manager thinks I take things personally, and I do a little bit (who doesn't?) but really I'm debating inside what to do. I mull things over. I wondered if I should have stayed at my old job. Then I went there yesterday and some customers were so rude, I realised I don't especially want to go back to retail and I was kind of grateful I wasn't on the receiving end of the awkward people.
So, to sum up - I am riding it out. I must believe that it's only difficult if I make it difficult and maybe I will get to like it better in time. And if not, I am gaining good skills to take somewhere else. A little positivity must creep in somehow.
I know part of the reason I'm uncertain about this job. It lacks creativity, and I have always, even in the most dire job situations, managed to find a creative outlet of some sort. This has none at all. My brain itches for something creative to work at. I suppose I just didn't consider that when I agreed to take it. Perhaps though, that is also a sign of some sort. A sign that I should dust off that novel I was writing and bloody well fix it up and finish the damn thing. It's been hanging around long enough. It deserves to be finished. That could be my creative outlet. That and writing this blog, which, you may have noticed, only really gets updated when I'm less than happy with some aspect of my existence...
I have recently begun a new job. It is totally and completely different from anything I have done before. I was left adrift for the entire first week, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was far from an ideal situation. It was not intentional on the part of my new employers, but nevertheless it did not fill me with hope and happiness for a successful future with them. I basically was left to do almost nothing, so there I sat feeling more and more useless and pathetic as the commotion raged on around me as everyone else tried to pick up the pieces of various catastrophes that had occurred, rather inconsiderately, during my first week. Needless to say, it was not a good introduction.
I spent that weekend wondering what the hell I had done. I had left a job I mostly liked and was comfortable doing, with people I liked and got on with. Why, I asked myself. The only possible answer I could come up with was money. I had been offered more money and the prospect of leaving retail and I just went, ok that sounds good. Did I think about anything else? Well yes I did, but I just kept thinking, 'if I earn more, we could save better and be able to move somewhere bigger'. That was my main motivation. Saving money and moving house. Not bad reasons I suppose. But the BF says money isn't everything, and he's right. Makes lots of things much easier though. So I had a major panic and begged the manager for my old job back. I decided that I couldn't possibly do the new job for a second longer than was necessary. Hence all the cryptic in my last post.
However, what I didn't bank on was the perceptive nature of my new manager. She leapt on the personality change she saw in the me she interviewed and the me she saw on the second Monday. So after a chat about how I was feeling in the new role (like getting blood from a stone; I made her work for the answers), I thought well maybe I'll give it a go. The first week was clearly disastrous and probably not an accurate picture of the day to day running of the place. So I apologised profusely to my old manager, said I was giving it another go and decided to give it a proper chance.
It went well for about three days. Then I started getting bad feelings again. Not the 'oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing-here' feeling, it's more a 'this-is-not-me' feeling. I am trying to fit in with it, but I just don't feel right about it still. Yes, it's all new. Yes, it's very different. Yes, I am a creature of habit. I don't like change. I react badly to it, it doesn't agree with me. When we moved house I was terribly grouchy because change stresses me out. We bought new bedroom furniture a couple of weeks ago and had to move everything around. Even that made me stressed! Maybe it will take a while to settle. My new manager thinks I take things personally, and I do a little bit (who doesn't?) but really I'm debating inside what to do. I mull things over. I wondered if I should have stayed at my old job. Then I went there yesterday and some customers were so rude, I realised I don't especially want to go back to retail and I was kind of grateful I wasn't on the receiving end of the awkward people.
So, to sum up - I am riding it out. I must believe that it's only difficult if I make it difficult and maybe I will get to like it better in time. And if not, I am gaining good skills to take somewhere else. A little positivity must creep in somehow.
I know part of the reason I'm uncertain about this job. It lacks creativity, and I have always, even in the most dire job situations, managed to find a creative outlet of some sort. This has none at all. My brain itches for something creative to work at. I suppose I just didn't consider that when I agreed to take it. Perhaps though, that is also a sign of some sort. A sign that I should dust off that novel I was writing and bloody well fix it up and finish the damn thing. It's been hanging around long enough. It deserves to be finished. That could be my creative outlet. That and writing this blog, which, you may have noticed, only really gets updated when I'm less than happy with some aspect of my existence...
Monday, 17 February 2014
A Rash Decision
Well, well, well. Where to begin? I suppose the beginning is traditional and less confusing for people.
Change is supposed to be good, right? Well I don't think all change is necessarily good. Especially if it's not for the right reasons. Although sometimes things get clouded up and the right reasons become distorted by the wrong reasons, which, somehow - who knows how? - take over and convince you they are in fact the right reasons. (Anyone still following that sentence deserves a prize of some sort).
I have recently had this experience. It's still going on actually so I won't say too much that could be incriminating. (Not an actual crime, just to be clear!) I made a choice and it has rather spectacularly backfired. My decision is going to cause problems for some people and for that I am truly sorry. I did not set out to inconvenience anyone in any way. But I believe one of the most important factors in life is being happy in whatever you do and I don't think anyone should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable. I have stayed too long before in situations that I knew weren't right for me and I don't want to make that kind of compromise again.
I have been afraid to fail before. One of my university lecturers said I had a severe inferiority complex and a fear not only of failure but also of success. Which means you end up doing nothing because you are afraid to try anything in case it fails, which also means you never try to succeed. This is of course very silly and I don't know how it happened to me. All I know is that the chance I recently took has failed. And that's ok. I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that it will upset some people but I can't feel responsible for that. I actually hope that this failure will spur me on to better things. You can't know how things will turn out. I genuinely thought I made a good choice, the right choice. It wasn't. I think I was blindsided by certain factors and they were the devil on my shoulder, convincing me to do it. I'm sort of thankful for those little voices though. I'm not very good at going out of my comfort zone so I think well done me for having a go, even if it has gone tits up. I hope that I am able to make better decisions following this experience.
I am aware that this post makes virtually no sense and it may seem like a total riddle. However, all shall become clear soon.
I also want to thank the BF for being the most supportive and understanding person I know. I couldn't do what I'm doing without him and I'm not normally one to gush on about stuff, but he really is my rock. I am so lucky to have him in my life.
And so dear readers, I close this slightly bizarre entry. Next time I shall endeavour to be less cryptic!
Change is supposed to be good, right? Well I don't think all change is necessarily good. Especially if it's not for the right reasons. Although sometimes things get clouded up and the right reasons become distorted by the wrong reasons, which, somehow - who knows how? - take over and convince you they are in fact the right reasons. (Anyone still following that sentence deserves a prize of some sort).
I have recently had this experience. It's still going on actually so I won't say too much that could be incriminating. (Not an actual crime, just to be clear!) I made a choice and it has rather spectacularly backfired. My decision is going to cause problems for some people and for that I am truly sorry. I did not set out to inconvenience anyone in any way. But I believe one of the most important factors in life is being happy in whatever you do and I don't think anyone should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable. I have stayed too long before in situations that I knew weren't right for me and I don't want to make that kind of compromise again.
I have been afraid to fail before. One of my university lecturers said I had a severe inferiority complex and a fear not only of failure but also of success. Which means you end up doing nothing because you are afraid to try anything in case it fails, which also means you never try to succeed. This is of course very silly and I don't know how it happened to me. All I know is that the chance I recently took has failed. And that's ok. I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that it will upset some people but I can't feel responsible for that. I actually hope that this failure will spur me on to better things. You can't know how things will turn out. I genuinely thought I made a good choice, the right choice. It wasn't. I think I was blindsided by certain factors and they were the devil on my shoulder, convincing me to do it. I'm sort of thankful for those little voices though. I'm not very good at going out of my comfort zone so I think well done me for having a go, even if it has gone tits up. I hope that I am able to make better decisions following this experience.
I am aware that this post makes virtually no sense and it may seem like a total riddle. However, all shall become clear soon.
I also want to thank the BF for being the most supportive and understanding person I know. I couldn't do what I'm doing without him and I'm not normally one to gush on about stuff, but he really is my rock. I am so lucky to have him in my life.
And so dear readers, I close this slightly bizarre entry. Next time I shall endeavour to be less cryptic!
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