Future Thinking... and a Wedding :-)

So it's been a while... I keep thinking about things to write, then it all seems so pointless and I wonder why I'm doing this. Then I remembered today that the reason I'm doing this is to document all those crappy feelings and good times. So I'm back in a more permanent capacity. Planning to write at least three times a week from now on because today I also made some more decisions about the future. I have decided I don't want to compromise on my life. I'm going to concentrate my efforts on writing my novel, making it better, getting an agent and hopefully getting published. The careers advisor stuff has made me realise that I don't want to settle for a job I'm not completely committed to. Or interested in. I've been postponing my final meeting because, in all honesty, I haven't been sticking to the action plan. I know, very bad, they are trying to help. But I wasn't entirely honest with them. I told the advisor I wanted a job in publishing or editorial. And while I can say the words, I can't carry it through to any kind of conclusion. I can't even bring myself to look on the websites for which she sent me the links. Is this a terrible thing? Am I fooling myself that I can be a 'real' writer? I spend so much time convincing myself that I'm not good enough when in reality my problem is a fear of failure. But the truth is that I'll never know if I don't try. I'm sure plenty of people say this behind my back because I say it to myself all the time. And if I recognise the problem, but don't address it, surely other people recognise it too? In some ways I wish people would just say 'get on with it, have a go' instead of tiptoing around the issue. Whenever I say I haven't really achieved anything, they say things about my academic achievements. Which are not to be sniffed at, that's true enough. I don't mean the academic stuff though, I mean life stuff. And I find it hard talking to the BF about this because he's older than me and feels the same way. All his friends and siblings are married, lots of them have children and they all have their own places. We are childless, unmarried and live with my grandparents. And we're over thirty. Which is the point of the blog, right? 'Stuff about being 30'. Today I feel like being this age shouldn't hold me back. I've been watching Sex and the City. When I was younger, I enjoyed the show, but now I'm actually in the 30+ age bracket, I identify more with a lot of what it says. Before, when I ticked the 20-29 box, I loved the message of female solidarity and the love stories (of course). Now I understand what it means about being over thirty and being a woman. People see you a certain way; they judge you on what you have achieved by this age. For the Sex and the City girls, it's judgment for not being married and not having children by 35. For me, it's the realisation that I could get to 35 and still be stuck where I am now. I am determined not to let that happen. I'm sick of people coming into my place of work and commenting 'how long have you been here?' Clearly, too long. My next step has to be one that involves changing my duller-than-ditchwater job for something a little more stimulating and focussing on my ideas for the future. Watch this space folks... Now - a new subject. Last Friday, June 1st. My GBF got married. It was a spectacularly fabulous day. His sisters and I had our hair and make-up done, put on dresses he made for the occasion and I walked him down the aisle on a boat. It was just lovely. There was a slight hiccup with my reading for the ceremony when I realised I didn't have the words (they were supposed to be on my chair. They were not). Turned out the best man had them with his reading! So that broke the tension a bit, which was good for me at least. I thought I would be very nervous doing the reading as public speaking isn't one of my favourite things. Turned out fine though, I treated it as a performance, channelling things I learnt in drama class, ooh, years ago! The sun shone, we had Pimms on the lawn next to the river, threw rose petal confetti, had a gorgeous meal, drank wine and danced the night away :-) It was a beautiful wedding. Just thought I'd share that.