Admit it. Sometimes it seems like you are not in control of your own life at all. Even small decisions are taken out of your hands. And sometimes it is those small things that put the bigger things into perspective.
Take tonight for example. My mum baked me a (belated) chocolate cake for my birthday and brought it round this afternoon. This evening, after dinner, I went to cut a slice for the BF and myself. Then my nan comes strolling into the kitchen (oh yes, I neglected to mention that we currently live with my grandparents. Not an ideal situation believe me), and demands I cut a piece for my uncle (oh yes, he stays with us three nights a week because of work being here and him actually living in Wales. Complicated? Oh yeah). Not asks. Demands. Now I'd have happily offered him a piece myself, and was actually going to anyway. But the decision was taken straight out of my hands. She had already told him he could have a piece. Slightly irritated by the fact she hadn't asked, I cut a slice and put it on the plate she had thoughtfully left out. Then she commented that it was tiny. So even when I do what she wants, it isn't right. Just can't seem to win.
Now you may be reading this, thinking it all seems a bit petty perhaps. And maybe it is. But like I said, sometimes small things appear bigger and escalate into even bigger things. I felt like the 'who eats the cake' decision being taken out of my hands represented a whole host of other issues. Such as the decision about where I live. I am effectively stuck here. I can't afford to leave. My job is pathetic. A well trained chimp could do it. I have done so much job-hunting it makes me want to scream. I have a friend who is always asking when I'm going to 'get a proper job'. She thinks I'm too picky. Actually the issue is this - I graduated university at a time when there are more graduates than there are jobs to give them. The last interview I went to had 300 applicants. I was lucky to get a second interview, but sadly that was as far as it went. Around here, pretty much the only jobs around are in retail and I'm not interested in retail. Also, I tried in mad desperation to apply for some of those jobs. I think they take one look at my CV and say 'hmmm, she has a media degree, what's she applying here for?' and toss it in the bin. So, I have come to this conclusion - I am over-qualified for all the retail jobs. I am under-experienced for the jobs I like the look of. And the rest I'm either not qualified for (IT, teaching) or I have no interest in. So where does that leave me? Floating aimlessly in a boring, pointless job that was only ever intended as a temporary filler. How did it come to this?
When I was 15 I had a plan. I was going to be a journalist and work for Smash Hits. Now unfortunately that great publication is gone and I am not a journalist. Instead I am sitting here at gone midnight, rambling on about how things have not gone to plan. I have ideas. I'm not totally washed up. I left university full of hope for the future. I was going to write great screenplays and a novel. And maybe a cartoon series. These are all things I had started as various projects at uni and fully intended on finishing and making sackfuls of money out of them. Then grim reality set in. I think I lost confidence in my work and stopped writing so much and so often. This blog is probably the most writing I have done in a good long while. And sadly it isn't fiction.
But I want to pull myself out the sad little rut I've been in. I am going to make changes. This big old 3-0 thing has woken me up to the hard fact that I have wasted enough time arsing about serving poxy cups of tea to largely ungrateful, rude people. (Believe me when I tell you that the vast majority of customers can't even begin a sentence with 'hello'. That equals rude in my book). It isn't good enough for me. Some folks may be content with mediocrity and a poorly paid job, but I've had my fill of it and then some. I am going to change things this year. Here is my list:
1. Leave the crappy job. And find something more suited to my skills and talents.
2. Get my own place with the BF. I have been here long enough. I am grateful to my grandparents for putting me up when I had nowhere else to go, but really, I need my own space. And my own kitchen, where I can do what I want with the cake.
3. Start seriously saving. I have a little, but it's peanuts really.
Okay, it's a short list. But fairly comprehensive I think. I have realised today that I am not very happy. There are a few things I am happy with - BF, friends, I'm not fat, my skin's quite nice, feet don't smell. Little things. I can honestly say that the one person who makes me feel not entirely pathetic is my BF. He told me that if my job made me that depressed, I should leave and he would pay for my small amount of outgoings. He wants me to be happy so much that he would take on my financial burdens. I think I might keep him :-) He is the one thing in my little world that makes me smile every day. Even now when he is laying the wrong way round on the bed, hugging a pillow and snoring slightly.
Now that I have written a To-Do list and made it so very public, I will have to stick to it. The big issues getting sorted will lead to my future happiness and security. For now though, I will be content with some of the little things - watching Angel and snuggling up with the BF :-)
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