Oh how confusing things can be. After the complete riddle I wrote last time, I think it might be ok to explain things a little more clearly now.
I have recently begun a new job. It is totally and completely different from anything I have done before. I was left adrift for the entire first week, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was far from an ideal situation. It was not intentional on the part of my new employers, but nevertheless it did not fill me with hope and happiness for a successful future with them. I basically was left to do almost nothing, so there I sat feeling more and more useless and pathetic as the commotion raged on around me as everyone else tried to pick up the pieces of various catastrophes that had occurred, rather inconsiderately, during my first week. Needless to say, it was not a good introduction.
I spent that weekend wondering what the hell I had done. I had left a job I mostly liked and was comfortable doing, with people I liked and got on with. Why, I asked myself. The only possible answer I could come up with was money. I had been offered more money and the prospect of leaving retail and I just went, ok that sounds good. Did I think about anything else? Well yes I did, but I just kept thinking, 'if I earn more, we could save better and be able to move somewhere bigger'. That was my main motivation. Saving money and moving house. Not bad reasons I suppose. But the BF says money isn't everything, and he's right. Makes lots of things much easier though. So I had a major panic and begged the manager for my old job back. I decided that I couldn't possibly do the new job for a second longer than was necessary. Hence all the cryptic in my last post.
However, what I didn't bank on was the perceptive nature of my new manager. She leapt on the personality change she saw in the me she interviewed and the me she saw on the second Monday. So after a chat about how I was feeling in the new role (like getting blood from a stone; I made her work for the answers), I thought well maybe I'll give it a go. The first week was clearly disastrous and probably not an accurate picture of the day to day running of the place. So I apologised profusely to my old manager, said I was giving it another go and decided to give it a proper chance.
It went well for about three days. Then I started getting bad feelings again. Not the 'oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing-here' feeling, it's more a 'this-is-not-me' feeling. I am trying to fit in with it, but I just don't feel right about it still. Yes, it's all new. Yes, it's very different. Yes, I am a creature of habit. I don't like change. I react badly to it, it doesn't agree with me. When we moved house I was terribly grouchy because change stresses me out. We bought new bedroom furniture a couple of weeks ago and had to move everything around. Even that made me stressed! Maybe it will take a while to settle. My new manager thinks I take things personally, and I do a little bit (who doesn't?) but really I'm debating inside what to do. I mull things over. I wondered if I should have stayed at my old job. Then I went there yesterday and some customers were so rude, I realised I don't especially want to go back to retail and I was kind of grateful I wasn't on the receiving end of the awkward people.
So, to sum up - I am riding it out. I must believe that it's only difficult if I make it difficult and maybe I will get to like it better in time. And if not, I am gaining good skills to take somewhere else. A little positivity must creep in somehow.
I know part of the reason I'm uncertain about this job. It lacks creativity, and I have always, even in the most dire job situations, managed to find a creative outlet of some sort. This has none at all. My brain itches for something creative to work at. I suppose I just didn't consider that when I agreed to take it. Perhaps though, that is also a sign of some sort. A sign that I should dust off that novel I was writing and bloody well fix it up and finish the damn thing. It's been hanging around long enough. It deserves to be finished. That could be my creative outlet. That and writing this blog, which, you may have noticed, only really gets updated when I'm less than happy with some aspect of my existence...
