Well, well, well. Where to begin? I suppose the beginning is traditional and less confusing for people.
Change is supposed to be good, right? Well I don't think all change is necessarily good. Especially if it's not for the right reasons. Although sometimes things get clouded up and the right reasons become distorted by the wrong reasons, which, somehow - who knows how? - take over and convince you they are in fact the right reasons. (Anyone still following that sentence deserves a prize of some sort).
I have recently had this experience. It's still going on actually so I won't say too much that could be incriminating. (Not an actual crime, just to be clear!) I made a choice and it has rather spectacularly backfired. My decision is going to cause problems for some people and for that I am truly sorry. I did not set out to inconvenience anyone in any way. But I believe one of the most important factors in life is being happy in whatever you do and I don't think anyone should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable. I have stayed too long before in situations that I knew weren't right for me and I don't want to make that kind of compromise again.
I have been afraid to fail before. One of my university lecturers said I had a severe inferiority complex and a fear not only of failure but also of success. Which means you end up doing nothing because you are afraid to try anything in case it fails, which also means you never try to succeed. This is of course very silly and I don't know how it happened to me. All I know is that the chance I recently took has failed. And that's ok. I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that it will upset some people but I can't feel responsible for that. I actually hope that this failure will spur me on to better things. You can't know how things will turn out. I genuinely thought I made a good choice, the right choice. It wasn't. I think I was blindsided by certain factors and they were the devil on my shoulder, convincing me to do it. I'm sort of thankful for those little voices though. I'm not very good at going out of my comfort zone so I think well done me for having a go, even if it has gone tits up. I hope that I am able to make better decisions following this experience.
I am aware that this post makes virtually no sense and it may seem like a total riddle. However, all shall become clear soon.
I also want to thank the BF for being the most supportive and understanding person I know. I couldn't do what I'm doing without him and I'm not normally one to gush on about stuff, but he really is my rock. I am so lucky to have him in my life.
And so dear readers, I close this slightly bizarre entry. Next time I shall endeavour to be less cryptic!
